Nobodys First

Megan's birthday was amazingly fun. I wish it could be like that forever, i mean, there was basically no drama, except for a few clothing issues :P I felt special there, i felt wanted. Back home i feel like shit. I'm always the one asking my friends to hang, its as if they don't really want to hang with me. You should've seen the smile on my face when megan asked me to hand the other day, it was the first time someone had asked me in a long time. Anyways, idk if i've said this before, but i just feel like i'm not first on anyone's list. My friends all have people theyd pick first to hang out with, or talk to, or if they cld only bring ONE person. I'm nobodys first. I Also feel as if my friends don't know me at all. I can never tell them this because then they yell at me. Tell me i'm making it all up and that they do care, but then it just continues on. I know Meggie didnt mean it but it broke Nellie and I's heart when she told us we couldnt go to the jobros concert AFTER she had invited us. In the car all my friends were talking about the All Time Low concert, i asked if i could go and was immediatly shut down. As they talked about it for the next 15 minutes i sat there holding back the tears. When i asked again i was once again shut down. Then when they turn it around, tweeting they hate people, i'm assuming they hate me, making me feel like everything is my fault, i did everything wrong, just as Grishko used to do.I love my friends and I don't want to loose them, i'm sure theyll read this but then again, they haven't been on in months. I feel like i can't tell them anything anymore about my family or my life, i just get yelled or mocked. If you can't talk to ur friends, then who can u talk to?????

I think that...

parents are 90% of the reason for their own child's depression and loss of self worth.

Do you ever wonder?

Maybe there is something else wrong?

The Meaning of Life

really what is it? we are put on this earth to go through years of torturous school, grow up, get a job, deal with stress, get married, have kids, more stress. then we die. i understand God put us here, but WHY!? is it even worth living?

Respnse to em's "deleting blog"

My blogger is retarded and doesnt let me comments people anymore?!
UGH. FML.

don't.
a blog is where you are supposed to be able to express your feelings freely. what's said is said, whats done is done. nothing can erase it, all we must do is roll with the punches and hope it all works out well in the end.
deleting it won't help anything.

Twitterful

as you may have noticed, I added a new side column on my Blogger >>> it shows my twitter updates =P I found how to do it someplace on twitter! haha.

Looking Back

just now i was going through a box of my old school stuff, i found this 5th grade journal. i had MANY entries titled "my life" Most were pretty happy, but there were a few that threw me completely off guard. the fact that i was considering not living in 5th grade is astonishing. to realize this depression has been going on for this long, is incomprehensible.

[[ change ]]

i changed my blogger picture. i realized my picture completed contradicted half of my blog posts. so i changed it to a more current photo.

Sick and Tired [Candle]

so as i've said before. my sister has a temper issue. so, the other day my mom took her to the psychiatrist, now she believes our whole family has a "respect" problem. Andrew attempts to convince my mom is 80% my sister. but he doesn't seem to budge. so today, my mom was in a good mood. then once andrew left, i went on her cpu quick to scan something, bc i don't have the scanner drive hoooked into my cpu yet, shes on the phone and decides to march in a INSTANTLY yell at my for being on her computer THEN she realizes i was scanning somehting. before she even asked. then she makes excuses like "you should've asked" meanwhile my sister is on my laptop ALLL THE TIME and she has her own cpu! my cpu was broken and i had nothing and i wasn't even aloud on my moms. its rediculous, my sister doesn't ask, she just goes on! when she has friends over, my sister goes on her cpu and her friend uses my mom. AND MY SISTER GETS NOTHING FOR IT. i understand i should've asked, and i understand why she yells at me for things i do, but she doesn't understand that point. she yells at me for things but jackie&laura get away with murder. then when i try and explain that she says, "im not talking about them right now im talking baout you" ONE! your not talking your YELLINGGGG TWO! you'll never talk about it, bc in ur mind you try and play it off like its not true. but it is.
i can't live here anymore. i need to get out.
she was on the phone with her friend saying how i was being rediculous bc my mom gave jackie money to go see a play today where as when i go to the movies or out to dinner or anything, the money comes out of my own pocket. she uses the excuse"
i just bought you clothes" thats stupid. i had no clothes. most teens exagerate when they say that but i was literal. i had a 8 shirts and no bottoms or anything. would she like me to go to school naked? anyways, i gave her crap about giving jackie money bc ONE jackie is fricken 17 shes deff old enough to get a job, and jackie doens't even drive. my mother babies her and gives her everything at her request. my mom understands none of that. laura's the queen. jackies the baby. and im supposedly the troublemaker.
i can't handle it anymore. ive cried about everynight this past while bc of all this.

Where is the Love

1. My mother told my sister she’d hang up her posters in her room today. The day is not over. When I came upstairs from my shower, Andrew was over. Whatever, I don’t care if he’s here, obviously getting mad at my mother doesn’t make a difference anymore and it’s not like laura’s home so they aren’t doing anything he was just talking to my mom. So I sat and ate dinner while I talked to Andrew && Mom.

*THUNK THUNK THUNK* Jackie climbs up the stairs.

“I couldn’t make you spaghetti” My mother calls.

“WHERES MY FUCKIN DINNER,” Jackie Calls.

“I made pulled pork”

“I DON”T FUCKING WANT THAT”

“WHY THE FUCK IS HE HERE!? HE NEEDS TO LEAVE”

After lots of yelling she goes back downstairs, only to return a few minutes later wondering why her spaghetti [which she made my mom defrost] wasn’t done yet. More yelling proceeded.

“How old are you?”

“I’m seventeen!”

“You’re not acting like”

Typical things. Then, throwing things across the house && putting papers all over the place is not typical teenage behavior. I just don’t understand.

2. I love my friends to death. All of them. But sometimes I feel like no one loves me the same amount. Everyone of my friends has “firsts” [people they pick first] Like, when parent’s say “you can only bring one friend” they always pick the same person. Although my parents don’t really do that, because they don’t bring my friends anywhere, I would rotate between who I bring and such. But sometimes, I just feel, when it comes down to it, no one picks me first….. I’m never the first to call, the first to invite somewhere, the first to hear some big story, the first of anything.

3, I go to big brother big sister, and the 2^nd/3^rd/4^th grade kids on my bus home are nasty to each other! They call each other morons, and retarded and such and such. The one girl is in 5^th or 6^th grade and her mom is the bus driver. Victoria is her name. Anyways, she is always making fun of this 3^rd? Grader. I always feel horrible; it almost makes me want to cry! Victoria was giving out M&M’s to everyone on the bus ‘cept this one little girl. Also, the little girl was speaking to my neighbor who was sitting in the seat with me, Kendra, and Victoria decides shed THREE PACK into the seat with me and Kendra just so Sophie? [the little girl] couldn’t talk to Kendra. Her mom told her multiple times me && Kendra were probs squished but she didn’t listen she continued to squish me [a 10^th grader] into the seat. KIDS!

4. I don’t what wrong, but lately I’ve just been feeling in a slump, after all this Grishko shit happened I was kind of happy I was having a good time, I though the Blue Dayz were over, but apparently they’re back again. I don’t know whats wrong with me. Two of my friends ask “whats wrong” [while the other don’t even seem to notice] but the thing is, I really don’t have an answer. IDK whats wrong =’[

Word to your Mother

Haha. So I opened Microsoft word today and apparently you can sync ur blogger to Microsoft word and just type on that! Haha. So yea that's what im doing, and typing a lab report, at 11:36 PM. Cool.

I Get Knocked Down But I Get Up Again, You're NEVER Gunna Keep Me Down

So my number 7 on the last post is concerning this half of this post. I said i removed it, but that's cuz it had conversations in it. If you have read my friend Emily's most recent post, you may know what im talking about. Yesterday was EMily's birthday, not just any old birthday, but her 16TH birthday. That day, "grishko" decides to go and vandalize one of the pictures on EMILY's locker b//c she doesn't like ME. Emily, has done nothing to her. Ever. Granted, i cried last night because i just can't begin to fathom how anyone would do such a thing to someone they were friends with for such a long time, or how someone could do such a thing to someone they don't even talk to, ON THEIR 16TH BIRTHDAY. But, since they have done it so much, i don't think they understand, it doesn't bother me as much as they want it to anymore. But, to do what they did to emily? is just wrong. Also, a while ago i leant grish. my boots when we were friends, and she wore them today and told hoe that "[she's] wearing them bc [she] knows it makes [me] mad" what she doesn't know, idc about those f*cking boots anymore! they are ripped, SHES worn them [whichs makes them SKANKIFIED], there is dog and cat hair ALL over them, and they are about 3 years old. Anyways, i just wanted to say, that I think it's sad how much of their lifetime they spend trying to ruin mine. What they don't know is they can't do it, because unlike them, i have friends that are there for me, that aren't liers, and that clean my room for me[<--noelle and megan! lolol] and that i really don't care about them anymore. I'm not saying it doesn't affect bc sure it does. I'm a person i have feelings. But someone who says they thought they "won" when they heard their mom cry herself to sleep [<--- solia] is just not agood person, at all. [Corney part:] My mother says they are jealous. Although when most parents say that, they are lying, i believe THIS ONE TIME! my mother is right. I look at Grishko and i realize after she lost me, she also lost megan and emily and noelle [even though she was never really good friends with them [ now all she has is solia] although today solia made it seem like if she had other friends, she would leave grishko LMAO. Anyways, she has no one, so technically. IVE WON.


Second half of this blog! =]
my mother was yelling at me today. again. my aunt was over for dinner and my mother decides to say "laura is taking the car for a few months in september when she goes back to school" jackie and i start flipping out. september is when i get my permit, but of course as soon as im aloud to finally do something it gets taken away from me, my mom is like "u cant drive it anyways" and im like "one. im not like jackie. ill knowhow to drive a car. two. i can drive it with you in it." so yea. now laura is taking our car bc she gets everything she wants. anyways, after a while i lash out.. "NO! this is SOO fucking retarded, all the rules get bent for Laura you do everything for her, we aren't aloud to drink do drugs or have sex yet laura get exceptions for them all!" if shes f*cking old enough to do all those things shes old enough to pay for her own car. later in the car on the way to dance... my mother says.... "the way you acted embarrased me" oh really did it embarass you how i acted or how i told my aunt you let laura get away with everying and that laura's having SEX!





anyways.
shouts outs to:
megan
emily
noelle

ps. for lent me megan and noelle are giving up facebook from Sunday after 5, Mon-Thurs, and Friday after 5

SCREAM

So basically... that song explains my life at moments like these.

1. i want to scream because of stupid parents. my best friends mom is being totally unreasonable and always yelling at her for no reason, and taking things way out of proportion

2. i want to scream at my family. i've grown up being taught not to have sex till marriage or w.e, dont do drugs, and dont drink. three things. not so hard to remember.
a. turns out, both of my sisters drink and my mom knows and doesnt get them in trouble]
b. my oldest sister smokes pot and my mother knows, so my mom decides to tell us she smoked pot in college too! and apparently my dad still ocassionally does smoke pot!! so once we were up at albany with my super pot head uncle and my dad and sister went looking for some pot!
c. then heres a ncie topper! ive learned a while ago my sister and her boyfriend are doing it, yes they are having SEXXXXXX. then my sisters boyfriend decides to tell me, he ISNT HER FIRST. and in HIGHSCHOOL she gave her boyfriend a blowjob. DISGUSTING. [im sorry for mentally scaring you] i dont know if the last part is 100% true but she didnt seem to deny it. she calls me a SLUT.. ATLEAST IM NOT A HIGHSCHOOL WHORE! UGH! IFJDKFJDIFIHDIFDJKHDIFUSDNFJKSDFIUSDHFJDFHISUDFHSDIUFNSDIUFHSDIUF. of course, im not going to go off and do these thing bc i think they are stupid beyond belief and i can half fun without htem for now. but how to parents expect children to obey them nowadays if they can't set even a close to good example?

3. i want to scream at domo and hoe. they both think tehy are my friends and they are there for me. but if they really were my friends they wouldn't be talking to HER behind my back. i know that sounds really bitchy. and they should be aloud to be friends with whoever they want. but the thing is, hoe likes me. and he asked me to ring dance, i can't go out with someone who isn't 100% there for me. you get it? its ok if you dont.

4. i want to scream at my own mother. i'm sorry im not perfect and that i'm not a striaght a student, and at the moment my room is messy. but, you llet exceptions for my sisters, why and i different? my dad says it bc "theres still hope left in you" but i htink its pathetic. by the time my senior year rolls around, there wont be money for me for college. so whats the point? also, you yell at me all the time, then you yell at me for plugging my ears and you say "i'm not yelling!" WHILE YELLING. your unvbelievable. i've been going through the worst two/three months in my life and u don't even seem to care. all you do is make things worse.

5. i want to scream at willy wonka. STOP TEXTING ME. i ahte you. you ruined my life. so don't think ull ever be part of it.. EVER. and don't pretend u care, bc i know ur only crawling to me bc grishko left you for domo.

6. i want to scream at solia. stop being such a jerkface to ur mom. she has done alot for you, if im not mistaken you said she bought u an expenisve ring dance dress? and a ring?! yea thats what i thought. so stop TRYING to be all badass and not go home after school, then bitch at grishko as to how ur life sucks because ur mom took ur phone and everything away..... U OBVIOUSLY PUT IT ON URSELF! and so much more that i would like to scream at you for.

7. [taken away for secrity reasons, ask me if you want to know]

8. i want to SCREAM at myself for still letting her//them bother me

9. i want to SCREAM at the school bc all of my friends have lunch together. and i'm the only one not there. and im afraid ill lose them, such as today they made plans to go to panera for em's sweet sixteen and i cldn't go, and they say they didnt know i had dance. but i know at least one of them had to know. w.e im not really mad for that, well i am, but i jsut odnt want to lose anyone

10. i need to scream for the sake of screaming. and that ijust need to scream. and RAWRRRRRRRRR

i know you're probs thinking "i didn't need to know this" or "why are you telling me this" and i'm sorry if you didn't want to hear soem of this but i needed to tell SOMEBODY! [just don't show this to others please.]

Heres my song of the day:
The day door is closed,
The echo's fill your soul.
They wont say which way to go,
Just trust your heart.

To find what you're here for,
Open another door.
I'm not sure anymore.
It's just so hard.

The voices in my head,
Tell me they know best!
Got me on the edge,
they're pushin', pushin',
they're pushin'

I know they got a plan,
While the balls in my hands!
This time its man-to-man,
I'm droppin', fightin', its time too.

Whole worlds upside down,its spining faster
What do I do now? Cause I choke!

I don't know, where to go, what's the right team?
I want my own thing. So bad I'm gonna Scream!
I can't choose, so confused! What's it all mean?
I want my own dream. So bad I'm gonna Scream!

I'm kickin' down the walls.
I gotta make 'em fall!
Just break through them all!
I'm pushin', crashin', I'm gonna
Fight to find myself,
Me and no one else!
Which way I get down, searchin',
Searchin', can't find a
Road that I should take,
I should, tomorrow left us!
Like nothing works without you!

I don't know, where to go, what's the right team?
I want my own thing. So bad I'm gonna Scream!
I can't choose, so confused! What's it all mean?
I want my own dream. So bad I'm gonna Scream!

Yeah we're cooks, running down,
hear the crowd gettin' loud!
I'm consumed by the sound!
Is it hurt? Is it love?
can the music ever be enough?
Gotta work it out, gotta work it out!
You can do it, you can do it!

I don't know, where to go, what's the right team?
I want my own thing. So bad I'm gonna Scream!
I can't choose, so confused! What's it all mean?
I want my own dream. So bad I'm gonna Scream!

I don't know, where to go, what's the right team?
I want my own thing. I want my own thing!
I can't choose, so confused! What's it all mean?
I want my own dream. So bad I'm gonna Scream!

Ohh! Ahh!!!!

[Responses to Noelle's Posts]

since blogger is being super stupid and the verification code isn't loading and allowing me to post my comment i'll just put it here [WORD OF ADVICE: get rid of ur verification code, so ppl dont have to enter one EVERY time they comment]

response to "Adding on"
i think once you get to.... 10th grade, if you've figured out what u want to be, u should only have to take the classes that are necesary for your learning. english should probs be required, but up to a certain extent of knowledge, unless you want to go into a field that requires much english knowledge. such as me, i want to be a graphic designer, i should be taking classes that pertain to that, not biology!, i mean really... i don't think i need to know genetics to make a picture. also, as long as i know basic math, complex functions and such are not necesary for my well being, when will i use them again? as me and u said at my house one day "OH! i see that bird flying, compared to the ground making a right angle triangle i believe the hypotenuse is about 848484848 feet." UNNECESSARY.
yea. thats my rant. i think we shall only take classes that pertain to the area of work we would like to study.


response to the one that didnt have a title
traditional *slap slap!* always necesary.. i can see the hand movements now "psh psh" lol. brown pre college things? your leaving me this summer.. for... COLLEGE! haha

Willy Wonka

so, the first time willy wonka texted me was at noelels house i cant get those texts bc they are on my old phone but im trying my best to get them... heres the thing.. he texted me again so i'm going to put bits and pieces of the convo in [ps ive added a new codename: frazzle]

He texted saying rawr your not tlaking to me ive been trying to talk to him, then i asked where he was on vacation, he said veremont, then he said it wasnt fun bc there were no chicas.
Olivia: wel lcomplain to solia and grishko about that bc i aint given you sympathy
Willy: its not good with grisko so no
Olivia: ik ive heard shes moved on already
Willy: yea girls do that to me. they get bored and find somebody else...sucks
Olivia: just like how even when you were with grisko, u were also with frazzle? yea dont gimme thjat bullshit, u get "bored" too
Willy: me and frazzle fooled around before i started hanging out with grisko u can ask her
Olivia: oh really b//c im pretty sure u nd frazzle fooled around about 3 week ago. two days before the day i bitched you out in the caf
Willy: what? you mean when she came over and watched that movie?
Olivia: idk!
few minutes later...
Willy: OLIVIIIIIAAAAAA
Olivia: what?!
Willy: why are you being so mean to me?
Olivia: bc ur timing is horrible
Willy: why
Olivia: bci was crying last night and today bc of everything going on and the last thing i need right now is you
Willy: but =[ u can cry on my shoulder if u stop being mean to me
Olivia: why wld i want to cry on ur fukin shoulder? ur partially the cause of all this shit
Willy: ? wth did i do?
Olivia: omg. just. omg.
Willy: what i dont understand what i did?!

then i just didnt respond

no title

willy wonka texted me

One Way or Another

Grishko imed me..

Grishko: olivia, please read what i have to say. we both made mistakes in the past and i usually dont admit when i was wrong but i was raised better than this and we were best friends for the longest time, idk what happened but somewhere inbetween we just stopped. ik i got pissed off a lot more than normal but i have a lot going on and it's just tough. i understand if u just dont care anymore but if so can we at least be civil?
Me: you know me better than that, you know ill always care, even at the worst of times, and i know and have heard you have had horrible things going on in your life
Me: i just dont know what to do anymore
Grishko: how much have u heard?
Me: i cant say
Grishko: its about me though.. how come u cant say? its not like im asking who told u cause idc who told u i just want to know what's gettin around
Me: problems with your dad
Grishko: oh kay


I talked to Domo about it. He said if i knew the decisions shes been having to make lately i'd understand why shes been such a bitch, and why she has been drinking and running away from home. HE said she really needs a friend right now. I understand that. I still care, i've always cared, i'm not like most people, i can't just stop caring no matter what i say or do. But, that doesnt mean i can just forget everything she's done. How long have her problems been going on? longer than i know of? I always assumed soemthing was up when we were friends, but i think she was afraid to tell me, afraid id judge her too much. I don't know what to do, i have a feeling most of my friends will say to ditch her, but i don't know. I need to hear the full, true, story. And i need to hear it now.

I'm Done

With my essay that is.
As much as i'd like to be done with life, i'd also love to live. Sometimes i think about death, but i would never take my own life. To think of all the hearts i'd break. Or would i? Would anyone care? Of course they would. No matter who you are, you always have people that care. If not... ask me =] I'll care. I love to care. Caring and loving someone is the best gift someone can have. Woof. that was corny, but it's true, everyone just wants to be loved.

I don't really know where this is going.. where was I?... oh yes! My essay, i have finished with quotes and such, i just need to add the conclusion paragraph... easy? hard? i will never know. I just.. write.. sometimes its bad.. sometimes its good. But the times i can not right, oh my, those times are the worst. Anyway, i must get back to my essay, i just decided to post to get my mind away from school for a moment, but then again, that's hard to do, until your much older, school consumes your life =/

xoxo gossip girl
jkjk. Olivia

Nobody's Perfect

I love people.

Recently i have been thinking and reading, not many people like Hannah Montana, Miley Cyrus, but I'm in love with her song. Nobody's Perfect. I think the message it conveys is amazing.

Many thing and people have triggered me to write this blog post. People go around and post, say and do all these things, complaining about other people and such, they think they're perfect. News flash HUN nobodys perfect.

You may sit at your house bad mouthing people on facebook or other various electronical devices, but you're just the same as all of them. I get it, i'm just as bad. But i think it's time for you to realize you are too. Midterms are coming up and many people are complaining about their grades and such, but maybe it's time to step back and think, although many people's parents might not care, i know for a fact, if i get B's or lower my parents DO yell at me for hours upon end.

I've been slacking a bit lately but its not just for the hell of it, I've had lots of things going on in my life and i haven't been able to concentrate on schoolwork, sure i complain my parents will be mad [bc they will] and that my grades will not be good, but i myself know that it is my own fault. I don't like not getting work done, i don't purposely do it, i just CANT.

So, after reading this, whoever you may be, maybe you'll understand and maybe you won't that EVERYONE complains, and NOBODYS perfect.

Now its time for YOU to get over yourself or SHUT UP

Sweet Child o'Mine

I really want to write a blog, but i didn't know what to write about, so i decided to right about something that has been bugging my friend, that has been bugging me.
My best friend's Noelle has a baby in her house, although it's her mom's baby, Noelle is always left to take care of it, as if it were her own. She changes diapers, makes bottles, and even chases the baby around the house even when she has lots of homework to do. Sometimes, when Noelle's parents know we had plans, Noelle calls us and says "sorry guys i can't hang today, i have to watch the baby" Once, her brother watched the baby for a few hours. Guess what? Noelle's mom took her brother to the movies for it, for watching the baby for a FEW hours, Noelle watches the baby for HOURS UPON END even when she has friends over, or has other plans. The other day i was at Noelles house studying, Noelle had to leave to drop another friend home so i stayed back studying, Noelle's sister was supposed to preocupy the baby so she wouldn't realize her mommy left, Guess what? I ended up watching the baby while Noelle's sister and Emily sat on the bed making videos. Recently Noelle has started making a chart on her laptop of how much she watches the baby, i'm curious to see what it says.

What Hurts The Most

Today my friends decided to ditch our plans. Although ditching plans is my BIGGEST pet peeve, thats not what bothered me. What bothered me was that two of them were having fun together and they all said they were "tired" yet they were having fun together. For a few months ive been really paranoid, everytime they get kind of bitchy and mad at me, or like no we dont want to hang out, or hanging out without me, i get so scared, i'm afraid of losing them like i did my other best friend.

Never Think

Tomorrow I have about 50?! History multiple choice questions. Also, I must write two essays in Spanish.

I just recently sat down to start studying. I can't seem to stay focused, i looked at the question then my mind wandered off. I know i give up to easily, but I just can't seem to stay focused these days.

She's Not Crying Anymore

Current state of mood: sad, crying
Today, I went to my friend Noelle's house right off the bus. We studied for our science midterms for quite some time but still managed to barely get anything done.
As soon as I hoped in the car my mom started yelling. "IVE BEEN WAITING HERE FOR FIVE MINUTES WHY WERENT YOU HERE?! WHY WERENT YOU LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW FOR ME" Then she starts yelling at me because I never like to eat what she’s making for dinner because I’m super picky, so I usually make my own dinner. She decides to say that she always makes dinner for me, and that she’s not going to be my "short order chef" anymore.
Then, one time my sister's boyfriend wanted to take OUR sleds to go to the high school at 12am with my sister, after he told me they usually lose all their sleds in the woods and such. So, not liking how he’s always over my house and thinks everything is his, I locked the sleds in a room, childish i know, but I’ve been in such a bad mood I didn’t want him ruining my sleds he can get his own. This isn't his freaking house. No one seems to understand that.
Anyways, since that situation my mom has never seemed to let it go, she always brings it up, so in the car she decides to yell at me for that, "YOU'RE SO CHILDISH" I proceeded to scream "YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN MY LIFE DONT EVEN TALK TO ME" and she said "YOUR RIGHT I DONT, I THOUGHT I RAISED YOU BETTER" she doesn't even seem to care that I’ve been in a horrible mood, and that all hell is breaking lose in my life. She says I’m selfish yet I’m always supposed to be who she wants me to be.

UPDATE:
as I’m writing this she busted into my room and threw a bag of pants on my floor "YOU CAN TRY THESE ON BC I NEED TO KNOW IF I SHOULD RETURN THEM OR NOT" then as she walked away she mumbled "and i do nothing for you?" i gave them back to her and told her that she always complains about money so she should just return them. Then she threw them back at me. I give up, i can never be good enough for her.

I told myself a lil while back after many nights of crying, that i wouldn't cry over.. Grishko anymore, I’ve found that I broke my promise to myself, I’ve been crying more lately. It's not even just about Grishko, or Willy, or Solia, or Domo, it’s also about my mom and my sister and her boyfriend. [I'll explain in another post later on]

Love,
Olivia

Quote of the day: "people always say that it gets worse before it gets better, but not I’m wondering if it even will ever get better"

Everything You've Done Wrong

So, for a while now, pretty much ever since my best friend started hating me[for no reason] I've started to make this list of things that she and her new best friend have done wrong, or have done to me, so i thought I'd share it; [ i have given them code names; girls: solia and grishko (they are various things found in my room =P), boys: domo and willy wonka]

• Solia and Grishko went to a party with Willy Wonka, who is a bad bad person
• Solia and Grishko both got MADD drunk at the party, which is a bad mistake because they are around a bad person.
• Solia made out with Willy.
• Solia told me about it all, but when she was with Grishko she denied telling me anything.
• Solia&Grishko both say i was talking shit about them, but i wasn't but technically i am now =P
• Solia told her mom she was at my house [even though we weren't friends at the time] when she was really with Willy Wonka and Grishko
• Solia said that Willy Wonka was the only one she could trust.
• Solia thinks Willy cares about her, even though he just thinks shes "Easy"
• Solia&Grishko slept over Willy's house, drunk, the night of the party
• Solia tells everyone about all of this, but then tells Grishko that it's me thats telling everyone.
• Grishko went on Willy Wonka's brothers facebook pretending to be him, and wrote some very mean things about me.
• Grishko lets Domo in the changing room when she tries clothes on
• Solia made out with Domo at the movies even though Domo knows how much Solia has hurt me.
  
• Solia and Grishko skip classes to chill with Willy Wonka.
• Grishko takes picture with just her bra on in the middle of class.
• Grishko threatened to beat me up, over facebook and text, but in school shes fine, shes all talk and no action.
• Solia says that we are friends and she doesn't want to get in the middle of Grishko& I's dispute yet she tells Grishko everything we say but when Grishko says something about us.... she won't tell
• Grishko seems to think that she can really hurt me, im sure she can, but she doesn't understand how much I WANT her to hit me.
• Grishko wanted to trip me at the ice arena and hack me with her ice skate, then tell everyone it was just an "accident"
• Solia says we're friends yet she doesn't seem to stop or care about Grishko from saying these things
• Domo and his friend made cookies for Grishko and Solia, even though he seems to say he never hangs out with them
  

I may have forgotten some.. or more may just come up. I'll update =]

We Can Leave the World Behind

I'm feeling lost.
I sometimes wish i could take my friends&family and just move off to some place where we don't speak the language. Then we would only have each other and there would be no drama in our little circle.

I've been really behind in school lately. My mom and friends and even myself yell that i don't ever do my homework. They don't understand, it's not that i don't want to do it, it's that i can't. I know that seems strange but, it's true. As you might have figured out in my post before this, there has been so much going on in my life, my best friend of four years now hates me for pretty much no reason and is threatening to beat me, for again no reason, my sister has a new boyfriend and my mom is letting her get away with things that she taught me my whole life not to do. So, when i sit down to do my homework all of these things pop in to my head and i just can't think straight. I'm up till 1am every night and i have ridiculous bags under my eyes from lack of sleep. I just want this all to be over and done with. I'm normally a straight A student with a 4.0 gpa, but this year things my grades have been dropping. I know i shouldn't let little things bother me like, one missed homework, but my guard has been down lately and almost everything does bother me.

I sometimes feel like no one gets me, my mom yells at me all the time for things, doesn't she understand maybe something else is wrong?

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes

From here on out, i will try to make all my post titles, the name of songs, but they won't be random, they will have something to do with what i'm talking about.

This past night I had a strange dream, my BEST FRIEND of four years had threatened to beat me. I walked into an unfamiliar building and she was there. It's kind of fuzzy as to what happened after that but i remember lots of running and yelling. The key thing to know is, when i woke up from that dream.. i realized.. i was living my own dream.

Good ole MLK Day =]

Sunday, January 19, 1 am.
I just finished creating my blog. So I decided to make my first post.
love,
Olivia